Chapter 1 of 31,628

All things started somewhere.  All things have a chapter 1.  And this text is no exception so starting with a cliché…

…In the beginning there was nothing.  A vast void of emptiness.  By logical standards there wasn’t even emptiness because that hadn’t been invented yet but to our understanding there was an emptiness.  Nothing lived, died, ate, drank, argued or watched the football on channel 1.  ‘How do you know this VN,’ you may ask.  Well the answer is simple.  This is my history of the world and if you don’t like it, that’s tough.  Anyway, back to the point we are all here.  Nothing existed or had existed.  So it was time immemorial for their was no time.  No clocks you see.   When, as if orchestrated by an unseen force (we shall call it Derek), there was an almighty POP and then there was everything!  This was the beginning of time and, therefore,  history!  Quite a stroke of luck actually because that is where we start.
Now, of course, everything was taking up quite a lot of space seeing as how everything had just suddenly (and quite rudely) POPPED into existence unannounced.  So it was rather chaotic to say the least and was in dire need of a spring clean.  This would explain why Spring is first in the calendar.  Now, because everything had come into being, Derek could become a physical being, taking form as a supermarket brand chicken hotpot.  He decided his first act as a material being was to give himself a title.  Realising that it would make him look better by working his way up the ladder, he proclaimed himself Assistant God.  That way, he could work hard, show his stuff and be promoted to Full God.  Next, he needed to sort out the chaos and confusion around him.  It wouldn’t do to have squirrels and oil tankers floating around the place.  So, he went about organising everything and if you ever tried to organise EVERYTHING, you would know it would take longer than your average weekend.  So we shall fast forward…

…to the end of ‘The Big Tidy-Up’, as other recognised history records would state.  Now Derek had finally finished organising everything alphabetically and was knackered.  He pulled up a chair beside some chimps chewing chequered chains cheekily and pondered.  What he needed now was a name for the space in which he would put everything.  Being rather an uncreative deity and somewhat impatient, he named the space…space (although, to be fair, he gave the space 2 names.  The second name was universe, named after a donkey he had become rather fond of).  All well and good at the moment but then he hit a snag.  Things have their place and Derek’s occupation meant he couldn’t do a half arse job of sorting out the universe.  He needed to put everything…somewhere.  A rather frustrating realisation actually, when you discover that you have infinity before you and it isn’t enough to hold all your gear.  So, he was faced with no choice but to make some room.  Snapping his fingers, he made many things disappear out of existence again such as crease proof silk, the intelligent blonde, world peace, the seven chinned tyrannollama and talented child actors to name but a few.  Now he had everything. Well…it wasn’t actually everything anymore.  From that point, it became almost everything but don’t ask questions and we can move on.  Having a brilliant idea, Derek sought to create, what he called, galaxies and within said galaxies would be planets.  Finding millions of planets lying around with nothing to do, he cast them out into infinity and arranged them to move round and round and round in circles.  With the planets, he also pitched out a few useless moons and the odd sun.  The universe was set.  All that was left was for someone to move in and populate a planet that could sustain life.  Using an incredibly holy and ingenious method called ‘Ipa dippa dation’, the likes of which would make your tongues leap out your mouth and strangle you should you dare attempt to utter the holy text, he chose.  In a galaxy he named ‘The Takea Way’, he chose the third planet from the sun.  This would be his template, his creation…his entertainment.  He rubbed his hands together, getting the feeling that this planet would be interesting to watch.
The tiny planet underwent some changes.  Violent volcanic eruptions, earth shattering tremors and earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons and many other nasty sounding natural disasters ravaged and shaped the planet.  Oh, and floods.  Mountain ranges and chasms were shaped by constructive and destructive tectonic plates covering the planets surface.  Several hundreds of years this went on.  And then it stopped.  The planet was ready to receive it’s first visitors.  Grass grew, the sun provided ideal temperature, water flowed from mountains and formed lakes, streams and oceans.  And the stirrings of a miracle bubbled away in a bog not too far from where Buckingham Palace was going to be built but because of the fact the site was in Malta, the project was relocated but that’s another story.  Rising from the delicious, primordial chicken soup with baby carrots and green peas with a glass cabernet sauvignon came life!

To be continued…